


Kakyoin's Cafe

by Roery



Category: Jjba - Fandom, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: AU, Bar, Café, Cherry - Freeform, Crack, Cracked window, Dio is confused, Drunk dio, Gen, I hope you find this funny, JJBA, Poisonous drinks, Sarcasm, conflicted dio, dio is avoiding george, everyone forgives dio, kakyoin is evil, not jojo's bizarre adventure, seriously drunk he's out of character, the cafe is actually a bar, theyre all dead but kinda just chilling, true evil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-18 04:57:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12381360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roery/pseuds/Roery
Summary: MASSIVE GIGANTIC SPOILER ALERTUpon death Dio ends up in the afterlife, to find that everyone that he ever wronged was there, including Jonathan. However he did not expect that everyone was going to be completely nice to him and they all seem to forgive him. Dio is extremely confused about this and ends up drunk, while stumbling the streets of the afterlife, he chances upon a queer cafe...





	1. Chapter 1

Perhaps by fate or by chance, Dio stumbled across a queer little cafe tucked in the street corner of the afterlife. He had just been ushered out of a nearby bar, after he had gotten into a spat with the bartender over the amount of alcohol he had been ingesting. 

“Hmph, can't hurt to try it.” Dio thought to himself, pushing open the quaint pastel doors with a little jingle. Upon entering the cafe, Dio noticed the ceiling lamps decorated with cute little cherries, and a little sign that said welcome. He felt strangely at home for some reason. Dio shuffled over to the bar, or at least tried to, tended by a bartender who looked rather young, not bothering to even question why a cafe needed a bar. He simply did not have the energy to entertain that thought, all he had on his mind was more booze. The internal screaming and conflict acquired from the past few days proved too much for his prideful self to bear. 

The young man perked up at the sound of the bell, calling to him with a well practiced,”Hello, how may I help you?” A sudden wave of deja vu rushed over Dio as he heard the oddly familiar voice, but he didn't think too much of it. The bartender had cherry coloured hair, with cherry shaped earrings to match dangling from his earlobes. 

Gasp.

“Holy fucking shit,” Dio slurred, the sheer force from the surprise nearly throwing him to the ground. He grabbed onto the countertop with all his might, before slumping onto its surface when the man turned around. “You- you're the guy, the boy… the guy…whatcha name again?... Kaki?Nakyoi? Kako?” he hiccuped and lay down flat,”...fuck. Gimme a moment.” 

The surprised Kakyoin, though taken aback upon seeing his murderer come stumbling into his cafe like a stupid drunk out on a Friday night who got lost and couldn't find his way home, quickly found his bearings. “Take all the time you need,” Kakyoin smiled, though the cold look in his eyes showed that it was merely a facade for the gears maliciously turning in his mind. Not like Dio would notice. 

“Yer so nice,” Dio mumbled into his arm,”everyone here is nice, even though I was a huge meanie. All they say is ‘take your time, Dio’ or ‘it's okay, Dio’, dun tell anyone but I love you guys.” Which was followed by a strange sound that went something along the lines of a quiet grunting “wryyyyyyy”, as Kakyoin watched his “customer” crash into his newly cleaned counter top and pass out, flat on his face.

“DAMMIT!” Kakyoin heatedly glared down at the unmoving figure, ”I just cleaned that!” He proceeded to acquire his bottle of cleaning fluid and sprayed some onto the tabletop, not bothering to avoid Dio’s face, who just mumbled and licked his lips, making sure to get some directly in his mouth. Kakyoin scowled, then grinned evilly as a plan started taking form in his mind. 

First things first; Coffee. Not for himself of course. 

Kakyoin hummed as he poured ground coffee beans into the machine. He filled it up with water and flicked the switch, taking a quick glance at the timer on the counter. He wondered if Dio would stay asleep long enough for the coffee to brew, and what he would do if the other regained consciousness before it was done. 

“Hhgahh…” Dio moaned, shifting in his slumber. Kakyoin’s heart skipped a beat when his head raised slightly off the table. In a brief moment of panic, he grabbed a heavy wooden tray, and brought it down upon the back of Dio’s head. He connected with the table with a satisfactory crunch and Kakyoin sheepishly lowered his makeshift weapon. Whoops. He hadn't meant to use that much force, but thinking back, the way Dio had delivered the fatal punch that ended his life hurt way more then being slapped in the head by a wooden tray. So perhaps his actions were justified. “Served you right.” He muttered under his breath. 

Once the coffee was brewed and ready to serve, all that was left to do was wait for Dio to wake up from his unconscious state. Kakyoin has considered adding some of his spit to the coffee, to make it… tastier. Or perhaps throw a few ants in there, to add to the texture. But decided not to, not that a few ants would kill, it was just that the ants did not deserve such disrespect. Just as kakyoin thought That perhaps he had accidentally killed Dio for good, he heard a loud grunt come from the dude who was at this point, becoming one with the countertop. 

“About time you woke up,” he said pleasantly, smirking when Dio groaned,”here have some coffee, it'll wake you up.” 

“Th’nk you,” Dio mumbled, taking the cup,”god my head hurts…” 

“Hangovers are like that,” Kakyoin laughed, watching as Dio took a huge gulp of the coffee, not seeming to mind the bitter taste. Truth be told, Kakyoin was impressed with the way he downed it, the drink was solid black and unsugared. Too bad he couldn't truly appreciate that majestic sight, for his hatred burnt so bright it blinded his own vision. With a loud burp, Dio slams the now empty coffee mug down onto the countertop. 

“Mhmmm, it's getting pretty late, don't you think you should go home now?” Kakyoin told Dio who was now staring wide eyed at the baby pink ceiling. Before proceeding to grab Dio by the arm and half dragging half throwing him out of the cafe. 

“Ta ta,” Kakyoin said as he waved his hands at Dio, who was swaying on his feet. He pressed an open bottle into his hand. “Here, have some beer for the road. It's on me.”

“Yer sho nicee… thanks…” Dio hobbled forward a few steps before promptly keeling over and vomiting in the nearest drain. Kakyoin watched with a self satisfied smirk. 

“Shrivel up and die, you rotten bastard. I hope you get alcohol poisoning.” he hissed, narrowing his eyes. 

“D-did you say s’mthing?” Dio rasped, looking back. 

“Get home safe! And please come again!” Kakyoin called to him with a smile, spotting tears of gratefulness well up in his eyes. 

“You're so nice!” Dio bawled loudly, voice hitching an octave higher to accommodate his fragile emotional state. “I'm gonna go visit m-my brother, he's a good guy too.. you're all good guys…” Dio tried to stand upright, but fell against a wall, sliding down to the floor pathetically. He gave up trying and just started crawling. 

“Well time to clean my countertop all over again.” Kakyoin thought, as he watched Dios disheveled figure disappear into the distance before he retreated back into his little cafe. 

“Another day, another job well done.” He patted himself on the back with a sigh,”Hopefully he comes back soon, I'm not finished with him yet.”


	2. Crack (ed window)

"Oh wow, this tea is delicious. You really outdid yourself today Kakyoin." Dio exclaimed with a smile on his face, while looking happily at the cherry haired cafe owner who was standing a distance away cleaning some windows. This made Kakyoin feel slightly annoyed. Kayoin watched perplexingly as Dio drank the cup of tea which was spiked with rat poison. Kakyoin had tried adding many different things to Dio's drinks including bleach and lipstick, but the guy simply did not even flinch. In fact, with every deadlier substance, Dio seemed to compliment the drink even more. At this point, kakyoin was simply trying to see how far he could go. Today, Kakyoin had to conceal his inner emotions to the best of his abilities, as Dio was not his only customer. Jonathan was there too, sipping a cup of freshly brewed coffee that contained no contaminants. 

The well built man with blue scruffy hair sat beside Dio in a comfortable manner spoke up upon hearing Dio's exclamation. "Hey Dio, can I have a taste too?"

His sentence was greeted with a stare from Dio, as he did not seem to want to share, but Dio for some reason could not refuse the burly man. "Hmph. Fine." He would say, as he unwillingly handed his cup to Jonathan. 

Hey can I try some... can I try some... try some... the words echoed in Kakyoin's mind. Suddenly, it hit him like a twenty pound hammer, realising what was about to happen. Kakyoin dropped his cleaning rag, and bent forward, sprinting towards the countertop where Jonathan and Dio were sat. He leaped into the air, belly flopping onto the countertop, and slid towards the pair at speeds that even Usain Bolt could not outrun. Just as the teacup was about to reach Jonathan's lips, Kakyoin grabbed at the tea cup as he slid past, knocking it over onto the countertop, all while screaming silently screaming "noooooo". 

"Hey what was that about?" Stuttered a very much in shock Dio by the human cannonball that just came shooting towards them. 

Kakyoin simply stood up and brushed himself off as if none of that had just happened. "Sorry, I tripped."

"Haha just be careful next time," laughed Jonathan who seemed to have accepted what just happened rather well. "Hey there's still some left in the cup."

The peacefulness was interrupted by a sudden loud and startling "NOOOOOO" as Jonathan watched the teacup that he had just retrieved from the countertop get slapped upwards by a blurry hand and go flying off towards the outside world, smashing a perfect circular hole in the window that Kakyoin, who was for some reason very much out of breath had just cleaned. 

There was a moment of awkward silence, that was shortly broken by Kakyoin's voice. "Haha... sorry, my hand slipped..."  
"Here let me make you a new one. Its on the house."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The hole is as straight as Mah soul


	3. FATHER FATHER FATHERRRR

Kakyoin looked down to see yet again the same old drunk blonde dude treating his countertop like a bed. Just that this time round, there was another blonde man passed out beside him, with his face plastered right into the table. Kakyoin wondered how they managed to breathe in such a state.

Throughout the entire duration of their stay, they were reminiscing about the good old times, when they were alive, when cars weren't a thing, when no one knew how to drive. Dio mentioned something about forcing a guy to run thirty people over, and then laughed. To which Caesar replied with also a laugh, thinking that Dio was joking. He was not. For some reason both of them suddenly woke up in sync, looking as if they both forgot to erase their browser history after a good netflix and chilling. With themselves that is. 

Caesar suddenly exclaims really loudly.   
“JOSEPH NO! STOP HUMPING THE DOOR.”

As if the name triggered something in Dio, he was suddenly very much awake. “Joseph? You mean Joseph Joestar?”

“Yeah… you know him?”

“...No… definitely not.”

“Aw damn, I miss that guy,” Caesar said, as he took another swig of his beer and passed out on the table. Again. At this point, Dio’s mind was turning, oh no, damnit I thought I finally found someone I didn't know… Dio suddenly heard a loud conk coming from behind him and blacked out.

The next time Dio awoke, he was on plastered onto a strangely familiar looking doorstep. The entire place gave him a feeling of deja vu. Upon closer inspection, Dio realised where he was. It was an exact replica of the Joestar mansion, where he grew up after getting adopted. Why was it here? He wondered. Suddenly, it dawned on him, who else would live in this mansion, if not Jonathan. Who else had he wronged and killed when he was alive. A sense of dread rushed over him as Dio made a sprint for the gate. 

A man was positioned in front of the metal gates. Recognising the cherry haired bartender, Dio made a beeline towards him. “THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE KAKYOIN. PLEASE GET ME OUT.”

Kakyoin merely looked at Dio and gave him a smile. After all, it had been Kakyoin who had driven Dio here after sending Caesar home. After realising how Kakyoin had no interest in helping him escape, Dio immediately made a sprint for the door but a sudden hard yank from Kakyoin stopped him. “You need to see your FATHER. Dio.”

“No… Please… NOT LIKE THIS… I’M NOT READY!” Dio screeched as he struggled to free himself of Kakyoin’s grasp, who let go after being punched in the gut. “... oh shit Kakyoin… I'M SO SORRY… I DIDN’T MEAN TO.” Dio apologised as quickly as he could. Before extending a hand to Kakyoin, who was sat on the ground dazed, probably relieving some traumatic experiences, which Kakyoin seemed to get over pretty quickly, and stood up. 

Seeing how the door was not a viable route of escape, Dio tried to scale the brick wall nearby. Forgetting that he had lost his vampiric abilities and superhuman strength, Dio merely ended up smashing his face against the wall instead. Creating a new beautiful piece of wall art, made of nosebleed. 

Suddenly, the door of the mansion opened with a loud thud, and a rather tall kindly looking old man stepped out in his pajamas. “Who's that? Who's making a ruckus outside my door this early in the morning…”

Upon hearing that voice, Dio froze on the spot, turning into a statue. One could almost praise him for his amazing works of garden art. The old man squinted at the figure who was squatted against the brick wall, before slowly muttering the words. “...Dio? Is that you?”

At that moment, Dio was literally prepared to die again, even if that was not physically possible. Slowly and coolly, Dio stood up and brushed himself off, ignoring the blood that was gushing out of his nose holes. “Indeed. It is I, Dio.”

The old man, who everyone referred to as Mr George, walked up to Dio and patted him down. Instead of the harsh words that Dio was expecting, George merely grabbed Dios shoulders with his hands, and smiled. “My Son sure has grown up.”

Dio suddenly felt his heart shatter, and broke down crying, while hugging the little old man in his board open arms. “FATHER. I… I’M SO SORRY… SOWRYY…” to which George responded by patting Dio on the back.

Kakyoin who was watching all this unfold in front of him couldn't help but feel extremely moved at the sight. For once, he was actually happy for Dio. Perhaps he wasn't so bad after all...

“Wait… NO. DAMNIT, MY PLAN FAILED.” Kakyoin thought to himself, even though he was crying at the sight in front of him. This was not supposed to happen. He had imagined Dio getting spanked by George, or getting killed in one way or another. Just not this. Kakyoin just had to be satisfied by killing him with kindness… he guessed.

The next day, Dio showed up in the cafe, with a huge smile on his face and came running up to Kakyoin. “Thank you!” He exclaimed as he gave the unsuspecting bartender a big bear hug. 

“... Mmf..O… Problmf.” Kakyoin mumbled, he was suffocating from Dio’s hug. When Dio finally let go, Kakyoin retreated back behind the counter as fast as he could, serving up yet another cup of contaminated ground coffee.

**Author's Note:**

> You thought it was authors notes. But it was I DIO !!!?!!


End file.
